My post-baby depression...

I never in a million years thought that I would experience post-partum depression. I was wrong. I thought that this form of depression was about not connecting with your child and being dark and depressed, but my depression was a huge self esteem issue. 

I've always been able to appear confident. I never let what other people thought about me affect me. I've been a heavyset person for as long as I remember, of course I always felt much larger than I was. I found out while pregnant with Bailee that I had hypothyroidism. It was nice to have something to blame for my weight issues. 

During my pregnancy I gained a little over 20 pounds, and I was so happy. It was the most comfortable I've ever felt in my own skin. After Bailee was born, I couldn't stand to look in the mirror. I felt disgusting. I felt morbidly obese, which I was not. I had lost all of my baby weight, but I was still big. I had that lovely sagging belly that comes with a c-section or having a baby. I felt hideous. 

My husband tells me every single day that I am beautiful and that he loves me, but my own self esteem problems were causing me to lash out at him. I felt like he was lying to me, and that he must be repulsed by me. I hated myself. 

That's when I decided to take a stand. I started walking and exercising. I lost a total of 32 pounds and close to 20 inches off of my body. I was so pleased with how things were going, but I still wasn't 100% happy. These issues will always haunt me. 

I am now pregnant with baby number 2, and I can't wait to have that baby bump so I can feel beautiful and comfortable again. After this baby is born, I vow to exercise and get the body that I am comfortable with. 

I will not let these issues define me; I will choose what defines me. I will be a good example for my daughter and this second child.